Three Days Ago
It’s Friday, everyone should be happy right? I have felt off all day but I kept telling myself that it was because my mom was having surgery and I was uneasy since I wasn’t there. Then the enemy popped in and reminded that it is because I can’t control the situation in case something went wrong. As he placed this thought into my mind, I kept thinking of every situation that could go wrong. Luckily, my sister called and let me know that my aunt and uncles were at the hospital with my mom. Immediately, I was relieved because I knew they were praying and would be there for my mom. I prayed and submitted my concerns to God and told Him it’s better that He has the control instead of little ‘ol me. Done. Submitted to God. Let’s get this day started!
Wrong. I guess the devil didn’t like that I didn’t open his package.
The day continued with screaming kids – wilder and louder than normal. Figures.
I thought that getting “ready” would make me feel better. I put on real pants that you can wear in public, makeup, and was about to curl my hair. Then I looked into the mirror.
As I looked at myself, I didn’t feel good about what was looking back at me. My make up didn’t go on smoothly, my blemishes were still there, and my flaws were showing. I was not on point. If you know me, you know this is out of character for me. If I leave the house, I am always dressed to impress, makeup perfect, hair perfect, and completely accessorized.
All I wanted to do was make a video and talk more about strongholds and get “ready” for the day.
One minute in and I turned the camera off. It was turning into an unknown testimony that I didn’t know I even had.
I said, “Screw it, I’m scrubbing my face.” Yes, out loud as I stomped to my bathroom. I scrubbed. Harder than I should have but maybe the harder I scrubbed the flaws would fade. I was angry and upset that I was struggling with the blemishes on my skin, with my weight that I allowed to get out of control, with my hair color that has faded, and my overplucked eyebrows that are now growing in gray.
I entered into a conversation with God, “Why do I cover myself with makeup? Why at this very moment do I hate everything about me? Am I really this flawed? I thought I was supposed to be fearfully and wonderfully made.”
He revealed why I dress the way I do and why everything has to be perfect. He revealed why I was so unhappy with myself at that moment. Then came the cause.
It’s an illusion of being perfect that I strive for because somewhere along the way of living with an addict, I thought that if I sit pretty, look pretty, and act pretty then maybe my dad wouldn’t leave me for the next binge or the next prison sentence. Maybe if I was pretty enough and made everything perfect enough then I could mask our dysfunctions and everything would appear to be as a happy and functioning family. I didn’t realize that I spent my whole life trying to cover up every flaw that came up in life because it was learned at such an early age it appeared to be normal.
At this point, my flesh wanted to run and say, “Nope, not today!” If I was at any other stage in my life, I probably would have. This is why God chose this moment in my life to reveal this to me because I was at a point of needing freedom. At this moment, John 8:32 became so real to me – the truth does set you free indeed. I’ve surrendered my life to Him because He gave His for me and if this is what He needs to me to do to move forward, then I will. Now that I am aware of this action that comes so normal to me, I can act when certain situations arise because I know the enemy will throw this back in my face. When he does, I can say, “Nope, that is a lie!”
John 8:32 | “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
When you look in the mirror and acknowledge the person who you didn’t want to become, the person you don’t like then we can then confront the issues, then confront the underlying strongholds with the truth. It isn’t pretty but once you accept what it revealed to you, and surrender to God then you can be changed. Don’t live in the lies, there is bondage. Acknowledge the truth and you will be set free!
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