For as long as I could remember, Father’s Day has been a bittersweet day that was surrounded with sadness. A day that served as reminder that a little girl would not always have the daddy she so desperately wanted to have. I prayed to have but a prayer that went unanswered. My daddy tried the best that he could considering his addictions and other issues I began to realize as an adult. Eventually, the day became surrounded with anger as I grieved the loss of him and my childhood. No chance for redemption. Emotions of anger, jealously of people who still had their dad, depression surrounded me and plagued me for a decade after his death.
I don’t tell you this to be sad for me or feel bad for me because even though we had a lot of bad times, we had a lot of good times too. In the end, the good outweighed the bad and I thank God for His unanswered prayers. Through my journey, Jesus was there in the blackness still surrounding me with a grater plan than I could ever imagine. He provided the answers along the way as I cried out my whys to Him. He gave me the peace that I needed to carry on another day especially on Father’s Day.
Even in my darkest days that turned to years, my vision only allowed me to see blackness in my current state. Hopeless. Discouraged. Depressed. Grieved. Angered. Fatherless. Orphaned. Lost in a dream that wasn’t a reality and didn’t have the chance at ever being a reality.
It was at that moment that God started changing my heart and opening my eyes to the most impactful statement He has ever told me in my Christian life:
I am your Father and everything you ever needed and will need in a daddy. Stop searching.
Although I still had years of emotions to unravel, this marked the moment that my hardened heart began to crumble and heal my “daddy issues”.
The next phase allowed me to truly forgive my dad, it was realizing that my dad did the absolute best that he could be physically, spiritually, and mentally for me. Once I accepted that, I quit blaming him for not trying hard enough. I realized he did try – to the point of exhaustion and to the breaking point of someone with an addiction. As I realized this, I wave of guilt washed over me and they only place I could go to make it right was to the LORD.
It’s freeing when such burdens are lifted but as they are lifted so are the blinders that cover your eyes. You are able to look at the situation with opened eyes and realize the affect of your actions and are able to acknowledge the stubbornness and pride in your heart.
When the blinders are removed, you are able to see further out than what is in front of your face. My next moment was that I was blessed with uncles that were always there and stepped in to fill the role. Even though they weren’t my earthly dad – they were placed in my life for what I would need.
As these truths were unveiled to me and I accepted them into my heart, I became free from a false reality, a false expectation, and a false idea. The idea I had was not what God intended for my life. When we let go of our preconceived ideas and accept that our ideas and plans weren’t part of God’s will, that is when He can work and show us His plan. When we fully accept that He is God, He is good, and He loves us enough to not let us settle for anything less, we surrender it all to Him willingly. I realized that for some reason He needed that little girl to go through heartache, trials, and the ugly feelings to get to where I am now. Whatever His reason is, I am thankful He chose me.
I am exactly where God needs me at this very moment and I have been this entire journey. Perhaps, it’s all about your perspective. You can focus on the negative and the things you can’t change or you can focus on who you were grown into during the experiences.
I am not Fatherless and neither are you. We are loved dearly by a God that doesn’t change, doesn’t leave, and loves us unconditionally.
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Happy Father’s Day God! And Happy Father’s Day to my earthly daddy who taught me a lot about life.
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