May Seventeenth. That is a day that often brings sadness as I remember my dad and how he is not here to celebrate his earthly birthday. I have lived eleven of these days but finally, today is different.
Eleven long years of grief, anger, and pain. Experiencing cycles of feeling nothing at all with complete numbness to heart wrenching and unbearable pain. Years of screaming at God and telling Him, He didn’t love me so why should I love a God that clearly didn’t love me? A God that would take my dad away and the chance of redeeming him, healing him and our relationship. I believed the lies the devil told me and chose to remain enclosed and alone in the emotions that came with my grief. I searched for the answers that filled my head and my heart in the wrong places, it did not matter what it came from as long as it was as far away from The One True God as possible.
Eventually, as I realized the broken and dark road I had been running on was just that. A road that led to an endless pit, no life, no hope, and surrounded by a dark sea of nothing. Broken and alone. Wondering how did I get here?
I let go of God and found comfort in the world. But He never let go of me and lead me back to Him.
Each year I embraced the storm. I felt the emotions and I fought my way through them. I was tattered and bruised but I was alive, feeling the pain. I would rather feel than to not feel anything at all.
Each year a little more peace given.
Each year a little piece of my heart mended back together.
Each year a little more light was given in the darkness.
Each year more answers were given to my questions.
Each year a little more wisdom gained.
Eleven years to bring me to My Calling. My purpose.
His life was taken so that I could find mine.
I am not overtaken by an overwhelming sense of grief and I am not overtaken by emotions of pain, anger, and sadness. I am not living in the what-ifs and thinking I wish he was here to see me now, watch my kids grow up, or to have a conversation or one last hug. I am looking through God’s lens and seeing how everything has worked together for my good, at the right time, and how it was supposed to. As I look back through God’s lens, and not the lens defined by my human eyes, I can see His hand in the details of my life to bring me to this place in my life. A place of purpose, a heart filled with love, compassion, and grace. A heart for Jesus. Whole and healed. Jesus was always there and always had a plan to bring me back home. He never left me in my brokenness.
I was once blind but now I am found. Thank you, Jesus, for not giving up on me.
My advice to those of you grieving: Don’t run. Feel through the emotions and work through them looking through God’s lens.
P.S. Did you like this message? Be sure to share with your friends and follow me on social media. Here is the passage that carried me through my darkest days: